


I could never say the words it takes to make your heart break

by amaronith



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canonical Character Death, M/M, POV Alternating, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Widofjord Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 12:06:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19376374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaronith/pseuds/amaronith
Summary: He caught his reflection in the mirror as he was getting ready for bed, catching sight of the curling spread of leaves and vines over his chest, the leaves with yellow centers that spread to red edging - he'd never seen anything like it.He had met his soulmate.He just didn't know who it was.





	I could never say the words it takes to make your heart break

**Author's Note:**

> Rolls in fifteen minutes late for Widofjord Week with my soulmate au fic. Enjoy!
> 
> Title from NateWantsToBattle's "Sleight Of Hand"

Fjord could feel the warmth spread through his chest when he first met them, the little goblin rogue and the human wizard. 

Then they had gone to the circus and were attacked, and Fjord almost forgot about feeling from earlier.

Almost.

He caught his reflection in the mirror as he was getting ready for bed, catching sight of the curling spread of leaves and vines over his chest, the leaves with yellow centers that spread to red edging - he'd never seen anything like it.

He had met his soulmate.

He just didn't know who it was.

Molly peered at Fjord's chest. "Ooh! You've met your soulmate, huh? Any idea who?"

Fjord wished he was wearing a shirt for this conversation.

More importantly, he wished Molly was wearing _pants_.

"I, ah, I just got these. This- this is new."

Molly's tail thrashed excitedly, almost becoming a curly-cue as he grinned wickedly at Fjord. "Shall I do a reading for you, see if we can get Fate to narrow it down some?"

It seemed foolish to scoff at the idea of Fate and Destiny when his soulmark was practically curled around his heart.

_Sheesh, a little on the nose, aren't we?_

Fjord met Molly's eyes. "Only if you put on pants first, please."

Molly winked. "Only because you asked so nicely, but be assured, most people don't ask me to put my clothes back _on_."

"I can't imagine so, but how many are you naked with when they're trying to find their soulmate?"

"Do you want me to answer that honestly?"

Fjord pinched the bridge of his nose as the Tiefling shimmied into his pants, not bothering with the laces. "It was rhetorical, Molls."

Molly's tail curled in a figure-eight. "Molls? No one's ever called me Molls before. I like it." He dug into his coat and pulled out a cloth bundle, opening it and spreading the cloth out as he handed Fjord the deck of cards. "Give that a shuffle, and think about your soulmate. First card you draw is gonna represent them."

Fjord shuffled the deck, chewing on his lower lip in thought before he handed the deck to Molly, and Molly flipped up the top card.

The Magician.

"....Caleb?"

Molly grinned at him, red eyes practically alight with excitement. "Only one way to find out. Touch him, see what happens to the tattoo."

Fjord nodded, staring at the redheaded man in purple robes on the card.

Caleb Widogast was his soulmate. Maybe. Possibly.

Fjord pressed his hand to his heart, feeling his face heat up before he hurriedly finished stripping down for bed.

Under the blanket, Fjord stared out into the dark. "...Hey, Molly?"

"Hm?"

"Could… could you explain about soulmarks? I mean, I sort of know, but I don't _know_ , you know?"

"...sure."

\---

Everyone knew the mark of a soulmate happened in three stages: the appearance of vines and leaves when you first meet, the forming of buds when you first touch, and the blossoming of flowers when your soulmate confessed their feelings to you.

(Though, as an aside, for a long time most people thought there were only two stages: the forming of vines, leaves, and buds, and then the blossoming of flowers, as most folks would touch in some way when meeting for the first time. But that was neither here nor there.)

There were different types of soulmate, too, of course - for not all Love was romantic - but that was between you and your soulmate.

\---

Bren had thought soulmates were bullshit, for how could Astrid _not_ be his soulmate? Nor Eodwulf? Such evidence was proof that soulmates were nothing but foolish nonsense perpetrated by foolish romantics and bards.

(He had seen their matching flowers with his own eyes, so perhaps it was merely Bren who was not made for such things, though both had assured him it didn't matter. 

He supposed it hadn't, in the end.)

Now?

If soulmates were real, if he had ever been capable of having one, he surely did not deserve one.

He had almost not realized what he was feeling, when he met the trio at the tavern, the warmth that spread over his hip.

Not until later, when he checked himself for injury, did he see leaves and vines curl over his skin like the hesitant caress of a new lover.

Bren Aldrich Ermundrud - who had his whole life before him full of promise - had no soulmate, but perhaps Caleb Widogast - a man born of pain and sorrow and nothing - did.

What a depressing thought.

\---

Fjord had gasped when Caleb first touched him - though calling it a gasp was maybe being a bit too dramatic. A sharper inhalation than he'd normally make, barely perceptible to anyone but Caleb, who apparently couldn't see or hear anything as he looked through Frumpkin's eyes, and Caleb's hand was like a brand on Fjord's arm.

Buds formed on his chest.

"Okay, this means for _sure_ Caleb is your soulmate," Molly said that night, peering at Fjord's chest. "Has he said anything to you?"

Fjord shook his head mutely.

"I honestly can't say I'm surprised." A flash of hurt - Fjord couldn't even call it a betrayal - flashed through him, and it must've shown on his face ( _sloppy, you know better than to show weakness like that_ ), because Molly's tail went stiff in surprise. "Not that you're not handsome and wonderful! But Caleb seems skittish, and he barely knows you. Monster killing is not a basis for a relationship. Trust me, I know these things."

"So what you're saying is to just give him time?"

"Take it from me, I come from a long line of people who know people, and Caleb doesn't look like a man accustomed to letting himself have nice things, even if he wants them. You gotta make sure he knows you aren't going anywhere."

Fjord looked back at the mirror, at the delicate buds formed on his chest, sealed up tight as though they'd never open, not even in the brightest sunshine. "I hope you're right, Molls."

It was better to have hope than to realize the kids in the orphanage were right, and no one wanted an undersized, ugly beast for a son _or_ a soulmate.

\---

Caleb had felt the buds form the moment he touched Fjord, and part of him was relieved - if any of them were his soulmate, it would be the man with the charming demeanor and intense interest in magic, and not the lovely ball of pranks and sunshine, or the woman who projected rage and apathy so loudly into the universe at large she had to be hiding a soft heart (nevermind her very obvious taste toward women and women alone). That his soulmate was a good man, or at least he tried to be.

The other part of him railed against it, furious and bitter that he would ruin such a good man - eventually, Fjord would realize Caleb was a lie, and those buds will wither and die on his hip, and Caleb would carry them until he died as a reminder of his failure and cruelty and a love unacknowledged.

(Even now, barely knowing him, Caleb cannot bear the thought of hurting Fjord, and he knows - he _knows_ \- that he would sooner kill himself than deliberately do anything to cause those buds to wither.)

He would wait, he told himself, staring at the half-orc's face as he slept one night. He would wait until Fjord came to him.

But he could not bring himself to reach for Fjord first. Not yet, at least. Maybe not ever.

But if Fjord wanted him, who was he to deny his soulmate anything?

(They had promised to make it work. Fjord did not need to know Caleb had meant with this as well.)

\---

This was all his fault.

Fjord had been the one to ask Yasha about soulmarks, he had been the one to suggest they step away from the camp so that they didn't wake anyone else up with the conversation, he hadn't seen or heard the slavers sneaking up behind them, and he hadn't been strong enough to keep any of them safe.

Before darkness took him, Fjord attempted one last thing that could possibly save them: he reached inside himself to his connection to his soulmark, and called for Caleb.

\---

Something was very, very wrong.

Caleb's eyes snapped open, and he pressed his hand to his chest.

The warmth he normally felt from Fjord was gone.

(It had been a slow growing thing, and Caleb had liked feeling it, those small bursts of warmth and affection Fjord seemed to send every morning.

Caleb had sent them back, like clockwork. And if he also sent them when Fjord had dreams about his Patron, well. That was another thing entirely.)

Caleb tentatively reached out through the bond, unfinished as it was, and wanted to cry.

It was like casting his feelings into a void. Fjord had grown tired of him and had severed the bond.

"Hey, where's Fjord?" Beau asked, looking at Caleb. She and Nott were the only ones who knew Fjord was his soulmate, as far as Caleb knew.

Caleb opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

"Guys… not to be an alarmist, but where's Jester?" Molly asked, as they all turned to look where he was looking and saw her bedroll laying where she had placed it the night before, her shield and haversack piled next to it.

Caleb's feeling of despair turned to dread. Fjord's belongings were also still with his bedroll. If he had severed the bond and left, he would've brought his things with him.

Which meant that something was blocking Caleb's connection to him.

Caleb flung his coat to the side, scrabbling at his clothes.

"Mr. Caleb, I can't believe you're making me say this but now is _not_ the time for nudity!" Molly snapped. "What are you doing?"

Caleb ignored him and looked over at Beau. "Take Nott, see if you two can find them nearby."

"What's gotten into you?!"

"Fjord is my soulmate!" Caleb yelled, holding his pants up with one hand. 

"Yes, I'm aware, and you've been a right arsehole about the whole-"

Caleb sliced his hand through the air, cutting Molly off. "He is my soulmate and I _can't feel him_."

Molly drew up to his full height, sucking in a sharp breath. "You think that they're-?"

Caleb showed Molly his hip, where his soulmark was still bright and vibrant, buds larger than they had been even a month prior. "I think something is blocking the connection," Caleb hissed, putting his clothing to rights. "And I am going to find it, and burn whatever it is to cinders."

-

They lost Molly.

(He never liked that turn of phrase, 'lost', as though Molly were a child they took their eyes off of for only a moment at the market and not their dear friend they had watched get brutally murdered.)

They were fools to have attacked so recklessly, but they hadn't let that stop them.

Every morning it took, Caleb cast out his message along the bond, hoping Fjord could feel it in spite of everything: 'Hold on, I am coming for you.'

-

When they had finally cornered Lorenzo in that damned basement, as Caleb aimed his hand, he bared his teeth at Lorenzo. "You did three things wrong."

"Oh? Do enlighten me."

"Firstly, you killed my friend," Caleb could feel the heat gathering in his palm as he pointed. "Secondly, you killed my cat."

"That's only t-" Lorenzo's voice was cut off as Caleb released the spell, the fire burning a hole through Lorenzo's hideous skull.

"And lastly, you never should have laid a hand on my soulmate."

\---

Fjord couldn't believe it, when he saw the others of the Mighty Nein (and some Dwarven woman he had never met before) rush into the cell to free him and Jester.

"Caleb… thank you."

Caleb flushed. "Yes. Well. Group effort."

Fjord nodded mutely.

 _I called for you, did you hear me? Did you even notice?_ He wanted to ask, but his tongue felt too thick in his mouth to form the words.

Fjord turned away to look at the others when he felt it, the tentative touch of bone-deep exhaustion through the unfinished bond, and under that, love.

Fjord spun to face Caleb, eyes wide, but Caleb was already making his way up the stairs.

Fjord pressed his hand to his chest, his face flushed and his heart racing.

_Caleb…_

-

They never talked about the soulmark. They talked about other things, and they continued their morning check ins with one another - though Caleb's were tinged with sadness and anxiety while Fjord was away, something that only got worse with every day Fjord was gone to the point where Fjord had barely made it four days out before he turned around and went back to Zadash. 

They didn't talk about it, but Caleb and the rest of the Nein came with him to the coast, and Fjord was more confused than ever before.

Caleb sent him little bursts of affection and warmth and concern whenever Fjord spoke to Avantika, and at the same time told him to do what had to be done.

It was only Caleb's support through their bond that kept him from losing his mind through doing… that. Though everything Caleb sent was tinged with a seething rage that Fjord didn't understand.

He was only doing this to keep everyone safe, why did Caleb hate him for that?

(Later, Caleb would message him about his worries about Avantika, and Fjord finally understood: he wasn't mad at Fjord, he was mad _for_ Fjord, on Fjord's behalf, because this never should've happened, this never should've been needed, and _that_ was what Caleb was angry about.)

(Fjord tried to keep his soulmark hidden from Avantika, hidden under bandages as a precaution that turned out to be needed when she refused to let him keep his shirt on.

She had pressed her nails into it as she rode him, and his heart wailed in despair.)

-

Avantika died, the Nein were banned from Darktow, and they were under the ocean, hunting for something maybe better left alone, and Fjord had no idea what he was doing, but he had felt it when Caleb went down, and could see through the illusion that had tried to get him to kill his soulmate.

As if he could. As though turning his sword on Caleb the once hadn't nearly killed him.

There was blood in the water, his and Caleb's both, and they had grasped cut palms and Fjord had promised him 'always' and everything that entailed.

He hoped for something, anything from Caleb at all, but all he got was a burst of affection and despair, and he didn't know why.

\---

Fjord had grasped his hand, cut palm to cut palm, and promised him 'always', and Caleb's flowers bloomed.

Caleb felt torn between elation and despair - elated, because Fjord _wanted_ to be his soulmate.

And despair, because Fjord wanted to be _his_ soulmate, and Caleb was entirely undeserving of it.

But Fjord wanted him, and Caleb could not deny him anything.

But he cannot - _cannot_ \- complete the bond without Fjord knowing things.

He just needed to find the right time to tell him.

-

The matter of when was taken out of his hands in Felderwin.

_"Your people did this! Your people did this to my people!"_

And he told them, not everything, but enough, and Fjord sent him reassurance over their bond the entire time.

God, he was truly a garbage person. How dare he take such comfort in Fjord when Fjord didn't know everything? What trash he was, what _scum_.

"Fjord… I need to speak with you. Alone."

Fjord nodded, and when they were alone, Caleb sat across from him on the bed - the only place _to_ sit in the small room - and picked at his shirtsleeves. "Caleb…?"

"I think that you, if no one else, needs to know what exactly drove me crazy." He lifted his eyes to meet Fjord's. "In the spirit of honesty, Beauregard and Nott already know, but telling you… this will hurt more."

Fjord reached out to press their scarred palms together, and nodded. Caleb couldn't bring himself to let go.

"I am going to tell you about why I went mad - I am going to tell you about how I murdered my parents."

-

Caleb wasn't sure what he was expecting, but Fjord stayed quiet while Caleb spoke, until Caleb finished, and even then all he had done was stroke his thumb over Caleb's inner wrist.

"Thank you for telling me. I know this was hard."

Caleb kept his eyes closed, waiting to feel his flowers wither, but all he felt was Fjord's continued hold on his hand. "...Fjord?"

"Listen. I'm not going to tell you you're the worst person in the world, or that you're completely absolved of everything you've done wrong. There's not a scale in the realms that can balance things out, because doing good shit doesn't completely erase the bad you did - but it's not about that. You were a kid who was raised to think a certain way, and further taught to think that certain way, who trusted the people who taught you to think that way, and then was abused by that teacher who trained you to trust him. Was what you did fucked up? Yes. Was it your fault and only your fault? No. Do you follow what I'm saying?"

"How can you say that? You, who values family-"

"Cay," Fjord said, his voice soft. "A very smart man once told me I can't blame myself when I'm taken advantage of. And you know what? That applies to you, too."

Caleb felt tears well up behind his eyelids. "I think I am a long way away from accepting that, Fjord."

"That's okay. I'll be here to remind you."

Caleb clutched Fjord's hand tighter.

-

They made it to Xhorhas, to Rosona with minimal teeth baring on Caleb's part at the orcs who hassled Fjord and himself.

He did not feel any such hesitation about obliterating the incubus and succubus and their master.

(How _dare they_ try to turn him on his _soulmate_? How dare they try to turn _Fjord_? He saw red just remembering it, even after they were killed.

Something had to be done.)

But now, _now_ they were champions of the Dynasty, with Yeza rescued and the favor of the Bright Queen herself.

And maybe Caleb was a garbage person still, but he could at least be a garbage person Fjord could be a little proud of having as a soulmate. He could be garbage but not completely irredeemable, maybe.

But the idea of saying it...

"Fjord?"

"Mm?"

"I appreciate you."

\---

Fjord gasped as warmth bloomed across his chest at Caleb's words. "Wh-what?" He rolled over, eyes wide even though Caleb couldn't see him.

"Sometimes you have to get a bit crazy."

Fjord pressed his hand to his chest. "Caleb… I-I know we don't talk about it, how you're my soulmate-"

Warmth and affection bled through the bond. "Because I never felt worthy of you."

Fjord chewed on his lower lip. "I don't know how to say this without sounding like one of Jester's romance novels… my mark bloomed."

Caleb blinked in surprise in the dark. "When?"

"Just now. With 'I appreciate you.'"

Caleb took Fjord's hand in the dark, their scarred palms fitting together perfectly. "Do you want to know a secret?"

Fjord wanted to know _everything_. "Yeah."

"My bloomed in Dashilla's lair. With 'Always.'"

That felt forever ago. "Caleb-"

"I am not a good man, Fjord. I have never been able to claim to be one. But for you?"

Fjord held his breath. "Cay…?"

"For you, I will try. To be a man worthy enough for you to call 'soulmate.'"

Fjord leaned in and kissed him, trying to pour all the love and warmth and adoration into the kiss and the bond they shared as he could.

And if the warmth and love he felt back from Caleb - so strong he could almost hear Caleb speaking words - said anything, Fjord knew he succeeded.


End file.
